I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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