Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
