When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
