I love black thongs
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
