Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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