my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
