Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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