Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
