Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
