we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
