Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
