you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
