I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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