u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
