I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
