Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize