My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
