all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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