nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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