her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Someone shit on the floor
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
