I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
