I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
