So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
