I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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