The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I touched a dick in church today
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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