I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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