Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you didnt know i had herpes?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
