i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm both gender and math confused
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
