Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize