i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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