I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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