i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
