you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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