Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
