so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
