We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
