Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
