yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
