i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My ass is underappreciated
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
