We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this just has baby written all over it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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