Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
