One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
