I hate all girls vehemently.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize