Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
