so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
