I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
