my mouth tastes like poor choices
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
