Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
