I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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