He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
