ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
