just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
