Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
