You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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