i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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