when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
