You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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