Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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