I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
