I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Be still, my beating vagina.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
