I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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