Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
