if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I could make wine with my vomit
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
