either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
