I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
